An Ounce of Pleasure

My contact failed to show at the appointed time or any other time appointed or not. By 7:00pm I had caught a taxi back to my hotel after haggling the hundred pound price down to three. What I believed would be another dull night at the bar turned out to be quite something indeed and may catapult my career of silent intrigue to one of fame and fortune. Allow me to explain.

Things were in a panic as I walked the final steps up to the first floor bar (figure that one out). It was the streets of Cairo 10-fold and placed inside the Windsor Hotel Lounge. Maybe 100 people were milling about outside the double door entrance as I squeezed past doing my best to say 'excuse me' in every language I know. The scene inside the lounge was equally as nuts: cables, studio lighting, cameras, make-up tables, and...oh nuts...actors. It was too late. I couldn't turn back. I had just been suckered onto the set of an Egyptian Soap Opera.

The director quickly ushered me over to the end of the bar where he asked me, "Can you drink beer?"

"Sure", I replied.

"Excellent!" Then i realized where he was headed. I couldn't allow my face to be on television. The Princess from that former Soviet Republic would surly see (http://themadinnkeeper.com). I tried to evade the next question.

"You are English?" the director asked.

"No. I am Greek!" I replied triumphantly thinking he would have no further use for me. The director's grin grew broader however.

"That is excellent! This scene is set in a Greek restaurant."

"It is?" I frown.

"Yes. In London."

"London? With an Egyptian cast?" I was very confused now.

"It was too expensive to import Greek actors. But you are here! You will be our "authentic". I will give you a solo!" which he did but that comes later.

Disorganization was apparent but keeping to direction I drank my beer quietly at the end of the bar chatting with the odd actor (actress) who stopped by for a rest. Apparently I pissed off 2 very famous Egyptian Soap Opera stars, Tapara and Sheeren, when I didn't immediately recognize their star status. I smoothed over the entire incident until I brought up the name Rob Lowe to Tapara who slapped my face and stormed off (it seems that upon separation from her husband he sold their "sex" tapes to the Egyptian tabloids. How was I to know?).

As I sat watching a dance scene rehearsal I reflected upon my career in film. Recently there was that Peruvian rock video in Cuzco. Then that episode of Nash Bridges where I jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, but that was done by a stunt double and later cut so that doesn't count. There was a radio show I hosted in Colima, Mexico...oops...wrong media.

"Stephen! Stephen!" --my stage name-- "give me a little more emotion when you drink your beer. This couple is to be married." Give me a little more beer I thought, but ours is not the job to upset the director.

"Of course!" I reply.

"...and nod your head side to side in time with the music."

"What music?"

"...and keep your eyes on me...and don't smile too much...and..." I tuned out at this point.

"CUT! What happened to the music?" the director screams. At this point a young actor -maybe 15 who doubles for the music coordinator- runs over to the cassette player and pulls out 15 feet of unraveled tape. Since the director has little enough hair he didn't go that route. This gave me time to make friends.

There was Muakmed Ali who drank greedily from a 7-up bottle at every opportunity (later it was determined, after finding him passed out in the grand piano, that he had been imbibing alcohol). There was Usama, leather jacket, goatee, who was actually offended when I guessed his correct age of 28. "Many people tell me I look 23." There were the 2 Greek musicians who were from Australia and played no instrument. Then there was the Egyptian actress who played the Greek barmaid in this Greek restaurant in London with a Russian accent. "I was born in Cairo, lived many years in Moscow, work 20 years for US Navy as secretary, and now will soon be Soap Opera Diva." Wow, I thought.

The next scene involved the traditional Greek plate breaking routine and the actor responsible for the carnage was having a field day. "No No! CUT! Look happy when you smash the plates. You look like an angry camel." the director snaps.We sent out for more dishware.

And so the night wore on. I got my cameo and afterwards the actors praised my agility to drink beer and nod my head to imaginary music. In the wedding scene I played a frenchman drinking Greek wine next to an authentic french woman playing herself. And in the farewell scene I was a distraught Greek boy looking teary eyed as my Greek love left the party with someone else.

As the cables were wound tight, the lights packaged away, and the camera secured, I had a brief conversation with the director. "It is a Greek Drama with an Egyptian cast, true, and this Winsdor Hotel Lounge in Cairo is suppose to be a Greek restaurant in London, but this is show biz. Who in all of arabia with be able to tell? Out of the 50 million who watch you each week, no one. You will see."

After the 6 hour shoot I was curious how many minutes of footage would be used. "Maybe 90 seconds." he smiled. "Pretty good for today."

As the last of the crew left the Windsor Hotel Lounge, back in a corner there was left a tall directors chair with its back facing out. From my bar stool I could just make out the words across the back: An Ounce of Pleasure.

And with that my night folded close.

the mad innkeeper
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