Lulu412

Now here's a story! It was at the briefest of stop-overs in Vienna, at a small gathering I conned my way into by dropping the name of the princess I was desperately avoiding. It was meant to be a diversionary tactic; a quick, high profile entrance with an immediate unnoticeable exit. But my highly visible entrance brought me to the attention of the star that evening.

She had just finished a short operetta it turned out; the applause quieting down when I was announced. The applause quickly escalated though. She (I did not know her name yet) strutted over in red, 5-inch platforms to my general location and demanded to know who was sharing her spotlight. I told her my name, to which she replied,

"Dunn who? Why are they applauding so enthusiastically?"

"They did not introduce me as Dunn." I whispered.

"Well…who then?"

"As the hooligan who is wanted by that former Soviet Republic."

"Huh?"

"The one the Princess is after."

"Oh", she gasped in awe.

"I explained at the door that I only wish to hear one last performance before I am taken away and beheaded. I am so glad it will be you who will perform," I bow low, slowly. The flattery began to take effect.

"Really…wow…I mean…you just missed my performance," She frowned.

"I am truly sorry then."

"Perhaps…"

"Yes?"

"I perform in Innsbruck tomorrow night." She tried to sound hopefully.

"So you are finished tonight?" I inquire.

"Yes."

"And free for dinner then. I know this excellent restaurant close by."

"But…"

"Wonderful!" I beam.

"Aren't you on the run though?" she asked.

"Well, actually, I have a car. We will drive." I reply taking a long look at her ever-growing platforms.

-sometime later-

"This is the best sushi I've had since…oh…I don't know…Arigato in SB." She cried.

"SB?" I become suspicious.

"Yeah! I go to the University there. Do you know SB?"

"No…no…I thought you said something else." I quickly try to cover.

"SD?"

"No."

"WAIT A MINUTE! I've seen you in SB…in Arigato for that matter!"

"Nope. Wasn't me."

"Yes it was! You walked in and Sheen yelled 'Charles! You got a haircut!' I turned around and saw you blushing furiously. What the hell happened since then?"

-What Charles declined to reveal was this: that night at Arigato led to an 'All Night BBQ' at his house. As the sake was flowing, in the heat of the outdoor fireplace, many things were said. Since she seemed to have conveniently forgotten those hours, he chose not to bring up such potentially embarrassing moments.

"Lulu four-twelve…Lulu four-12…come in. I repeat, come in."

"What the hell is that?" I ask incredulously.

"That…oh nothing." She replies in haste.

"…what kind of secret agent do we have…if she can't even answer her beeping handbag." The voice sounds rather perturbed.

"Oh that!" she giggles.

"You're that secret agent named Lulu 4-twelve!" I exclaim. "I've heard about you. You saved the world last year from the evil tyrant Brag! What are you doing here though?"

"I…"

"Wait a minute… you're not here because…" I begin to worry somewhat extensively now.

"Yes. I was hired to find you. I shouldn't even except the reward. This was way too easy."

"Can't we work something out?" I plead.

"No. Well, actually, yes. I think we can." Now I really really begin to worry. "If you promise to follow my instructions, to the letter, I may be able to overlook the fact that I ran into you."

"Which instructions are those?" By now I feel I am beyond hope.

"You will come to my Chateau and fix Rack of Lamb with Mint Sauce." She had an overwhelming look of satisfaction in her eyes. She must have heard how great a chef I am.

"WHAT? Rack of Lamb with MINT SAUCE? Did I hear you right?"

"Yes"

"NEVER! I will never ever prepare a Rack of Lamb with Mint Sauce. With an herb-goat cheese crust perhaps. With a reduced raspberry port sauce maybe. Even with an Espagnole sauce, sure. But no Rack of Lamb of mine will set within a hundred kilometers of a dish of mint sauce." I stop because I need to breath.

"I am sorry to hear this." She hisses the words like venom. "Your death will be particularly unpleasant I suspect. They don't even bother to sharpen the axes anymore. Not cost effective."

"Perhaps I could fix you a nice gourmandise noix de veau du prince Murat?" She shakes her head. "A Milan sables?" no. "Chanterelle Noodles with Vermouth and Braised Lettuce Sauce?" no. "Scallop Ceviche with Seaweed, Asian Vegetables, and Coriander Water? Spicy Tune Tartare in Crispy Somen Noodles with Cucumber-Yogurt Coulis and Soy-Wasabi Sauce? Squab Salad with Foie Gras Hollandaise, White Truffle Oil & 50-year Old Balsamic Vinegar?" no no no. Hell, I was in trouble.

"I guess Crème Brulee wouldn't interest you?" I sigh, giving up on any hope of salvation.

"Crème Brulee! You could make me a Crème Brulee???"

"Yes I could. But not here." I add quickly. "It would have to be in Venice. All my secret ingredients are there." She was buying every word.

"Let's go! How long to get there?" she was dragging me out the door as she spoke.

"6 hours I think."

"I'll drive. I think I've made it in 2 before." I thought I was worried before.

"By the way, how did you get a secret agent name like Lulu412?" I ask.

"411 wouldn't have made much sense."

the mad innkeeper
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